A RETURN TO INCONSEQUENTIAE! "WOOF!" WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT WHOLE 'MAN'S BEST FRIEND' THING?! When Pinellas County police officers unleashed their K-9 buddy Scooby on a suspected robber this weekend, the nice doggy went straight for the poor young miscreant's Scooby Snacks, cleanly SEVERING HIS PENIS in the process. That's right, you read right… the dog bit off the dude's cock. Immediately sensing that their poochy had probably overreacted, the cops immediately rushed the grievously wounded lad to hospital, where doctors were able to reattach his thankfully unswallowed member. We here at the Daily Dirt suspect that this is the kind of eye-opening lesson any young man wouldn't soon be able to forget. Perhaps our correctional officials should keep a close watch on this particular case, to see if the shocking nature of this specific type of injury has some sort of palliative effect on recidivism rates. If it does, perhaps canine castration could somehow be incorporated into - or replace entirely - our currently, obviously insufficient, prison and correctional strategies. Or not.

ON THIS DAY April 10 On this day in 1970, Paul "the cute one" McCartney publicly announces that The Beatles are breaking up. Many people still consider this to be the unofficial Last Day of the Sixties, but yer old pal Jerky reserves that honor for March 1, 1970: the final day on which our once proud whaling industry was allowed to operate before federal prohibitions went into effect. The heft of a well-balanced harpoon, the rivers of hot blood plunging knee-deep down the sluiceways, the shuddering death-bellows and the omnipresent stench of death... give yer old pal Jerky that over peace and love and Strawberry Fields. Forever.

QUOTES! "A lot of people don't like faggots. There are all these myths about faggots being soft and feminine, like you're lacy and wear chiffon and listen to Barbra Streisand. Straight-up homies, niggaz, and thugz can do what they want. You can walk through projects and be gay. But you can't walk through the project and be a faggot, because that's when they'll mock and harass." - This article, which I suspect the author wants us to take seriously, is just too fuckin' hilarious for words. *** *** *** "You bet I did. And I enjoyed it." - New York mayor Michael Bloomberg probably regrets uttering the above words in an intervew with New York magazine, now that NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) is using it in their latest public awareness campaign.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Jacques Desnoyers... A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh: "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Erica Parent... He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it." They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL." She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst jokes were sent in by xxx. Q: What did the sun-bathing mother say to Michael Jackson on the beach? A: "Get out of my son!"

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, I am what you call a self-proclaimed nymphomaniac. I am not into multiple partners and I am completely monogamous. I want SEX when I want it. No questions asked. I am experiencing trouble with my boyfriend who finds a it a bit annoying when I insist on having sex when he may not be "in the mood". I find myself to be very attractive and very sensual. A woman who knows how to give her all in the bedroom. There are no inhibitions. I will not cheat on him but I don't want to lose him either. What can I do? What can I do to things more interesting for him so he wont turn me down? Signed: HELP! Dear HELP! Have you tried thinking about something else to temporarily take your mind off sex? Taking a cold shower? Masturbating? Watching Letterman? Getting your hair done? Reading a book? Losing some weight? Learning a trade? Biting your nails? Getting that nose job? Doing a crossword? Washing the ass in your pantyhose? Taking a walk? Taking a drive? Hugging an octopus? Taking a drive, then parking your car and taking a walk, then driving back home? Having your breast implants removed? Regretting it and having them put back in? Buying a Realdoll and strapping a dildo to it, and fucking that, instead? Obsessing about your own mortality? Going to the museum and switching labels on things? Eating some peanuts? Worrying about the future? Volunteering on your local Citizen's Volunteer Police Force? Feeding fifty prostitutes to your half-starved pigs, just for kicks?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: EATING MAN'S BEST FRIEND! Care of: sashi_kurup@hotmail.com. Dear Jerky, Some British groups and the international football association has asked Korea to stop selling dogmeat during the World Cup as it could offend participants and visitors. How these fucking slobs can presume to restrict the cuisine of a society, even if temporarily, is beyond my comprehension. Would these sanctimonious assholes have the balls to ask for the banning of the the gentle kangaroo's meat in Sydney, those pink piglets in Moscow, or cow meat in Los Angeles, were these cities to host the World cup? After all, millions of people find the eating of beef, pork, and frogs and snakes and ostriches offensive, and don't do it, but they dont presume to tell you what the fuck you should not eat, whitey-boy! By the way, how about putting some buckshot in a duck's behind, or pass metal thru' the soft mouth of a trout, for compassion's sake?! It's socially acceptable, aint it? bye... Sashi [As long as they don't make it illegal to eat pussy, most people I know won't give a fuck. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com