CNN AND IRAQ AND TWO CLASSIC SONG PARODIES Apart from Lou Dobbs, yer old pal Jerky doesn't watch much CNN anymore. But the other night, I happened to catch a glimpse of Candy Crowley and was instantly reminded of my undying hatred for that shuddering shoggoth. In 2000, her snarky belittling of Al Gore's every move played a small but important role in helping the House of Bush bully and thug its way back into office. Her subsequent cheerleading for Dubya and friends hasn't exactly endeared her to me, either. Anyway, upon seeing her, I immediately turned to my old pal Centrist Jones and said: "Man, do I ever hate that fuckin' Candy Crowley bitch." Without missing a beat, he looks up from rolling and, in his best Ozzy Osbourne, sings: "Candy Crowleeee..." Inspiration had struck. Before the night was through, an incredibly fat man would write an incredibly irresponsible song about an incredibly fat and irresponsible woman. And so, further explanations being unnecessary, yer old pal Jerky hereby presents: CANDY CROWLEY by Jerky LeBoeuf based on an idea by Centrist Jones sung to the tune of Mister Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne (spooky/majestic pipe organ intro) Candy Crowley, What goes on in your head? Oh Candy Crowley… Do you eat too much bread? Your waistline to me seems so massive, On an inhuman scale. You thought you could fix it with Atkins; But you could teach Shamu about whales. Dubya's darling, Don’t you know you’re a whore? Obese Alarming, Barely fit through the door. You don't seem to know times are drastic, That the system is broke. Unless you are being sarcastic, In which case let us in on the joke... Yeah! (ridiculously hellacious guitar solo) Candy Crowley, Won't you file your report? Oh Candy Crowley, It's a hack job, of course. You help evil men keep their secrets, Yeah, it works like a dream. You turn a blind eye to their madness, Then you stuff your face with Krispy Kreme, yeah... (sung over another ridiculously hellacious guitar solo:) On the political beat, You serve a privileged elite. I wanna know, I wanna know what you eat! Yeah! *** **** *** CLUSTERFUCKED By Jerky LeBoeuf (sung to the tune of Thunderstruck by AC/DC) We got caught In a panic in the middle of Iraq (Cluster) Looked around And we knew there was no turning back (Cluster) All our boys and our girls thinkin' "What can we do?" (Cluster) And they knew There was no help Not from Fox News (Cluster) Sound of the drums Beatin' in their hearts The bombs and guns Tearin' them apart They've been… CLUSTERFUCKED! Went down the Beltway Broke the limit, Bush hit the town Came through Texas, yeah Texas And he had some fun Pulled some strings, Joined the Guard to avoid doing time Broke all the rules, barely got through school Jesus freaks and neocons have blown his tiny mind! (Dow Dow Dow Dow) Now he's shaking at the knees (Dow Dow Dow Dow) Can we vote again now please? (Dow Dow Dow Dow) Lies heaped up on top of lies, We've been… CLUSTERFUCKED! Yeah yeah yeah, CLUSTERFUCKED! Now Bush is shaking at the knees Can we bring 'em home now please? Clusterfucked, yeah yeah yeah, clusterfucked... (etc) Said yeah, it's Iraq No turning back We're wearin' flak Cuz we're in Iraq (ATTACK!!!) CLUSTERFUCKED! yeah yeah yeah, clusterfucked (etc, etc, ad infinitum) Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 21 On this day in the year 1843, the world fails to end, as popular evangelical preacher and widely-read apocalyptic millennialist William Miller had predicted. Strangely, Miller's hundreds of thousands of followers didn't even bat an eyelash when he declared he'd made a mathematical error, then simply changed the End Time date to October 22, 1844. Miller gave his own personal guarantee that the world would end for sure this time, and many of his followers gave away all their earthly belongings and wealth in anticipation of the Godly Destruction of All Things. It is for this reason that today's Seventh Day Adventists -- including the Branch Davidians (direct descendants of the original Millerite church) refer to October 22, 1844 as The Great Disappointment. And now, friends, you know why there oughta be a law against allowing Born Again Christians anywhere near THE BUTTON. On this day in 1891, a Hatfield marries a McCoy, thus ending one of the longest family feuds in hillbilly history, and adding some much-needed diversity to West Virginia's stagnant gene pool. On this day in 1935, Persia officially changes its name to Iran... which is a dumb-sounding kinda name, it's true, but at least they didn't change it to Maximus Prime, like THIS fuckin' gearbox did. I mean, come on.

THEY SAID IT! "One doesn't want to be accused of inhuman callousness; but I am willing to confess, and believe I speak for a lot of [conservatives] that the spectacle of Middle Eastern Muslims slaughtering each other is one that I find I can contemplate with calm composure." - Conserva-sadist and National Review columnist John "To Hell With Them Hawk" Derbyshire confesses his indifference to the daily massacre of innocent men, women and children in Iraq, all thanks to the failing policies for which he was a vociferous cheerleader. *** **** *** "Someday, Bush will be hunted like Pinochet for his crimes against humanity." - So said Seymour Hersh, the great investigative reporter, during a Progressive Forum address in Houston this week.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by McTubers! A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Deputy Bob for sending in today's second joke. A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32", the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily. A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by David... Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: 11 LAWS YOU SHOULD REMEMBER care of: Naveed 1) Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands are coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. 2) Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3) Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone. 4) Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. 5) O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. 6) Bell's Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. 7) Ruby's Principle Of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 8) Willoughby's Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 9) Zadra's Law Of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 10) Breda 's Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. 11) Owen's Law: As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. [Imagine yer old pal Jerky's horror when he googled "Jerky's Law" to see if there was one... and found this. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky... The internet news these days is such a target rich environment. How come I feel so sad inside? Cheers, Andy [Maybe it's because the story you linked to says Halliburton's cost-cutting and/or incompetence almost killed a bunch of American soldiers by giving them filthy drinking water. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; A mixed-race British mom gave birth to twins recently - one of each. No, not a boy and a girl. Two girls - one black, the other white. The Odds of such a birth are about a million to one, experts said. "It was a shock when I realized that my twins were two different colors," Kylie Hodgson, 19, told London's Daily Mail. "But it doesn't matter to us - they are just our two gorgeous little girls." Hodgson and her partner, Remi Horder, 17, were both born to mixed-race parents. Little Kian and Remee share a love of apples and the Teletubbies, their proud mom says. Fertility experts speculate that a sperm containing all-white genes fused with an egg with all-white genes, and a sperm with all-black genes fused with an all-black gene egg to produce the fraternal twins. Naveed [Weird. The parents both look Black to me. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. LeBoeuf, I second that comment about Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I would include a copy of the Space Ghost that they originated on in case you haven't seen it, but at approximately 60 MB, it would be a mail bomb and a half. As far as 'live' programs go, have you seen The Trailer Park Boys? Sincerely, Tonto [I have seen both the Space Ghost episode in question, and also every single episode of Trailer Park Boys, on bootleg. TPB is a pretty good show, but without a major budgetary upgrade, it will forever be a cult property. Not that there's anything wrong with that. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Roegster, You must be fucking kidding on your comments about SRV. Although he was an admitted fan of Hendrix and tried to emulate his playing in his early days, he very much had a style all of his own. I don't think there's a guitarist alive today that doesn't consciously or unconsciously emulate another player, it's impossible not to if you ever learnt to play from other people's songs, or at least listened to them. Hendrix himself borrowed from Albert King, Muddy Waters and Guitar Slim, at the very least, and you can hear elements of their influence in many of his songs. SRV was an amazing guitarist, he could play gentle, melodic stuff, or thrash the fuck out of his guitar, listen to Couldn't Stand the Weather, for one of the best albums ever made. Apart from that, he was a great guy who believed in what he played and he'll be sorely missed. I can only assume that your audience don't know the difference between SRV and Hendrix, because your playing is mediocre, and I guess that they also don't allow you any sharp objects in there. Bye, happy tinkering! Miles [Holy shit... the Sky is Crying! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Panda is Turd Blossom's evil cousin and works undercover for the Adminstration. Now yuh 'no slick. Leo [Considering the horrors he came up with in yesterday's Soapbox, I fucking hope not. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I got the feeling that Roegster had been asked to do SRV a few too many times because people were tired of what he was putting out. Jealousy is the sincerest form of flattery. Mixer [We're all entitled to our own opinions. However, all opinions are not created equal. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo Jerky, Yeah, yeah it's been a while. All to the good on this end, and same with you it appears. Just thought of ya, and 'voila' it's great to see yer still cranking out the good good stuff! Which I shall pick up reading not exactly where I left off but sort of... Been spending most spare time and mental energy on [CENSORED], but there's no real replacement for the good Dirt. Pleased to be back, ol' pal, Bill in Paso Robles [Glad to have you back, Bill! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com